23 years later - broken and whole
Working as a volunteer chaplain with the American Red Cross, St. Paul's Chapel, and the NYC Office of the Chief Medical Examiner was a great privilege that extended over the next six years. The attacks, the people, and the stories broke my heart, but they broke it open.
I remember the chaos, fear, and uncertainty of that day, The terror from the sheer blue skies, not just from the morning attacks, but from the silence of grounded flights, punctuated by the intermittent scream of fighter jets patrolling unseen overhead.
And I remember the faces of the people I met, family members searching for those they loved and lost, those who escaped with their lives, and those who came from every part of the United States and around the world to help. Just as much, I remember the faces of those I met through their pictures on the walls at Pier 94 and so many other places around New York City.
I learned many things about these people, about trauma, about myself, and about life.
I came to know how much everyday goodness there is in the world. I saw that in the eyes and the grief of loved ones, and heard it in the stories they told. I saw the strength and persistence of compassion, as millions performed uncountable billions of acts of kindness and service. I saw many grieve and grow, finding and making healing for themselves and others. I learned that we are built to heal.
We know that terror breeds more terror, and violence begets violence.
It is not healthy to cast aside, gloss over, or ignore the reality of suffering and loss. But those who step forth to help point a way forward.
The Apostle Paul wrote these words, which I heard myself and read to others on 9/11/01...
It is the God who said, “Light will shine out of darkness,” who has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ. We have this treasure in clay jars, so that it may be made clear that this extraordinary power belongs to God and does not come from us. We are afflicted in every way but not crushed, perplexed but not driven to despair, persecuted but not forsaken, struck down but not destroyed, always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be made visible in our bodies (2 Cor 4:6-10).
This testifies to the active and on-going work to bring good out of evil, to bring life from struggle, suffering, and even from death. In Christian terms this is the power of resurrection, and God's love for the world.
Those who step forward to help cannot do so without sacrifice. That is one thing that ties together all the helpers. Each one sacrifice their time, some sacrifice their physical and mental health, some their lives. We know we are clay jars. We know we can break, even shatter into pieces.
That first week, when the World Trade Center towers were a burning 7-story pile of wreckage, when grim-looking troops with assault weapons surrounded the site and patrolled streets and subways, while we had no idea if more attacks would come, if there were survivors, or even the magnitude of the death toll, or how the U.S. would respond, I managed to get to the Red Cross, and *poof* - I was a chaplain, untrained but not unprepared. I cannot begin to tell in a few words how good this work was for me. While stressful and painful, it was also affirming and healing. It stretched me and helped me grow.
I quickly realized that one of the features of working in a large-scale disaster like this is that everyone involved is broken. Everyone is hurting/afraid/confused. And this gives us the opportunity to connect with each other, to help each other in our distress, and lead each other out.
We are fortunate indeed if we get to see the new life that grows from those seeds of kindness, service, and self-sacrifice. I saw many people take this healing journey, lessening their pain, and also finding a measure of wholeness. So many people I saw just once, and hope and pray they got to where they needed to be.
In faith, we might trust that doing what is loving and right is reward enough, and also trust in the power of this goodness to work its way. Call it the moral arc of the universe bending towards justice, call it God's earnest desire for creation, call it grace, but this is a hope I think we all can recognize - that things are going to work out. Thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.
Credits:
Sue Urban. Sunrise Between the Twin Towers in July, 2001.
Paul Bellan-Boyer. Lower Manhattan, featuring 1 World Trade Center, September 11, 2023.
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